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tonithegreatMorning. No one wants to be awake yet in my house. I love the feeling of cool morning air from the window in the springtime, but having the window open makes me feel bad for the neighbors when morning alarms ring. Sadly, at this stage of life, I’m a multiple-alarms person. Multiple alarms starting at 6:40. And then some raised voices trying to get the kids up. I don’t leap out of bed with a plan when first I wake. I roll over and try to find something inspiring to scroll. Maybe something in the New Yorker, maybe Heather Cox Richardson has some wisdom placing current events in the broader historical perspective. What is happening in the Ukraine? Will there be something on the news this morning that I need to talk to the girls about?
Climbing felt good last night. Now I am sore, but it doesn’t feel too bad. Why do I awake before my alarm goes off when I am this physically exhausted? There have been times in my life when waking early was probably due to anxiety. Today it doesn’t feel like anxiety. Is this peri-menopause? Do I just need to be better about physical therapy and exercise for my back? Maybe I should read a little fiction.
What on earth am I after?
Partway through the workday. I don’t even know how to write about this feeling, because it can be so different from day to day. I really like my job. But it can be combative. People go after each other sometimes. The law is not called an adversarial system for nothing. Most of the time the flow of work is too fast for much in the way of navel gazing, especially these days. But on bad days, I dream of other realities. I look at the years that I have accrued toward retirement. 17.5 years in the system isn’t nothing. Retirement would be a lot more certain with more years, but if it becomes untenable. . . There are other things I can do. There are other things I want to do. So many things I want to do and almost definitely not enough time for all of them.
The first time I ran was to the end of the block
But I didn’t know then, that it never would stop
Now I look around, and what do I see
More and more people running faster than me
These days, everybody’s on the run
Jimmy Buffett is always a good choice for me. Even the sort of cheesy older stuff. Driving between Atlanta and Montogemery on I85, I’m in a race against time. It seems like I’m going to make it to my Aunt’s wedding with 20 minutes to spare. Thank goodness for the time change in my favor. I forgot how crazy ATL tends to be. In the two pandemic years, I forgot that sometimes even when you have a car reserved, they might not have a car ready for you to pick up right away. But they got one ready eventually, and I’ve got my cute outfit on and it is a beautiful day, and unless traffic deteriorates, I’ve got this. I get to be there for my family and relax for a minute.
When did the paradigm shift from a world where you’re with your family all the time, creating community, with breaks for work, to a world where you strive all the time with breaks for family and creating community?
Am I pursuing goals, or are the goals I’ve chosen driving me now?
Night-time and the cool humid embrace of Tallahassee spring are a sweet mix this year. In my neighborhood there are crickets singing and owls hooting and unless it is very still there is always something of a sound of the wind through the trees. I try to walk our young dog Alfie every night just before I settle down, usually around 9:30 or 10:00. He is still bursting with energy at 25 months old. He’s a strange sort of heavy-bodied hound mix, weighing in at over 65 pounds. He can be a lot. He’s smart, with herding and protecting instincts from somewhere. He’s red-brown colored with a cute face and a liver colored nose. He needs to roam more than he gets to, and I love to walk our long block in the late late evenings with him. I’ve learned that he does better if I let him carry something when we walk, so we pad through the night with him carrying a three-foot long stick that one of the neighbors pruned out of their yard.
He’s happy, doing his dog’s work, taking that stick around between the quiet yards and houses. And I am happy, loving the feeling of the familiar streets and little park along the stream. I hope I’m doing more than just dog’s work, but on jasmine-scented quiet evenings sometimes it feels like even dog’s work might be okay- might be enough.
Climbing felt good last night. Now I am sore, but it doesn’t feel too bad. Why do I awake before my alarm goes off when I am this physically exhausted? There have been times in my life when waking early was probably due to anxiety. Today it doesn’t feel like anxiety. Is this peri-menopause? Do I just need to be better about physical therapy and exercise for my back? Maybe I should read a little fiction.
Partway through the workday. I don’t even know how to write about this feeling, because it can be so different from day to day. I really like my job. But it can be combative. People go after each other sometimes. The law is not called an adversarial system for nothing. Most of the time the flow of work is too fast for much in the way of navel gazing, especially these days. But on bad days, I dream of other realities. I look at the years that I have accrued toward retirement. 17.5 years in the system isn’t nothing. Retirement would be a lot more certain with more years, but if it becomes untenable. . . There are other things I can do. There are other things I want to do. So many things I want to do and almost definitely not enough time for all of them.
But I didn’t know then, that it never would stop
Now I look around, and what do I see
More and more people running faster than me
These days, everybody’s on the run
Jimmy Buffett is always a good choice for me. Even the sort of cheesy older stuff. Driving between Atlanta and Montogemery on I85, I’m in a race against time. It seems like I’m going to make it to my Aunt’s wedding with 20 minutes to spare. Thank goodness for the time change in my favor. I forgot how crazy ATL tends to be. In the two pandemic years, I forgot that sometimes even when you have a car reserved, they might not have a car ready for you to pick up right away. But they got one ready eventually, and I’ve got my cute outfit on and it is a beautiful day, and unless traffic deteriorates, I’ve got this. I get to be there for my family and relax for a minute.
When did the paradigm shift from a world where you’re with your family all the time, creating community, with breaks for work, to a world where you strive all the time with breaks for family and creating community?
Night-time and the cool humid embrace of Tallahassee spring are a sweet mix this year. In my neighborhood there are crickets singing and owls hooting and unless it is very still there is always something of a sound of the wind through the trees. I try to walk our young dog Alfie every night just before I settle down, usually around 9:30 or 10:00. He is still bursting with energy at 25 months old. He’s a strange sort of heavy-bodied hound mix, weighing in at over 65 pounds. He can be a lot. He’s smart, with herding and protecting instincts from somewhere. He’s red-brown colored with a cute face and a liver colored nose. He needs to roam more than he gets to, and I love to walk our long block in the late late evenings with him. I’ve learned that he does better if I let him carry something when we walk, so we pad through the night with him carrying a three-foot long stick that one of the neighbors pruned out of their yard.
He’s happy, doing his dog’s work, taking that stick around between the quiet yards and houses. And I am happy, loving the feeling of the familiar streets and little park along the stream. I hope I’m doing more than just dog’s work, but on jasmine-scented quiet evenings sometimes it feels like even dog’s work might be okay- might be enough.
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no subject
Date: 2022-04-29 01:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-04-30 02:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-04-30 05:12 pm (UTC)I love Jimmy Buffett, too. :)
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Date: 2022-05-01 10:50 pm (UTC)One of the main reasons I appreciate working part-time (29 hours/week) instead of full-time is because I have a set number of hours I'm allowed to work, and then I don't feel guilty shutting my work down outside of those hours and I'm just free to do whatever I want with the rest of my time. It seems like folks who have full-time 40-hour/week jobs are often expected to put in even more time than that without any extra pay or benefits.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-02 09:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-05-03 12:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-05-03 11:57 am (UTC)"When did the paradigm shift from a world where you’re with your family all the time, creating community, with breaks for work, to a world where you strive all the time with breaks for family and creating community?"
Thank you for writing. ~~~D
no subject
Date: 2022-05-04 01:11 am (UTC)I'm glad you made it to the wedding. Do you like in Alabama? I do.
Daisy will be 3 in September. She is so high energy. I wonder if she will ever slow down.
I really like this part of your entry especially:
When did the paradigm shift from a world where you’re with your family all the time, creating community, with breaks for work, to a world where you strive all the time with breaks for family and creating community?
no subject
Date: 2022-05-04 02:36 pm (UTC)